Chester Cheetah, my love

Cheetos,

I had such a wonderful time with you last night.

When I awoke this morning, I looked at my fingers, and thought instantly of you -- the remains of our passion on my fingertips, orange the new color of my desire. One by one by one, I put each finger in mouth, on my tongue, so that I might taste you one more time.

Your moods are mercurial -- sometimes you are crunchy, sometimes you are puffed. Even once you were simply baked. There is no shame in this: one day, I will even get baked with you. In fact, I think I will love you even more when I am baked. But all of these sides of you: they only deepen how I feel for you. For I know I can have you any way that I want, and I will never go hungry, I will never be bored. You excite me.

You excite me so much I can hardly walk into the bodega without a quivering, a tingling down there. Somewhere in my abdomen. I see you on the shelf, on the rack, and you are so perfect, so pure, so freshly packaged. Like you were made only for me. No one else has had you. You are like a virgin, and I am going to touch you for the very first time.

I want to take all of you -- from every grocery store, every corner store, every Wal-Mart, I want to take all of you with me, I want to throw you in my shopping bags, toss you into my trunk, and cram my kitchen cupboards with you, slam the door shut so that no one else might every find you, ever take you, so that I may not ever be in want of you, so that you won't ever leave me, abandon me, forsake me for someone else, you'll never go away, Cheetos, I won't let you, if you ever leave me I'll just die, I swear I will, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME! I WON'T LET YOU! YOU LOVE ME DAMMIT! I KNOW YOU DO!

Oh, Doritos are buy one get one free at Key Foods. Uh, hey, I'll give you a call sometime. Later dude.